Tell me something good, Clueless Adults, and What can I Do for You? Get comfy, it’s a long read.

Picture it, Sicily 1922, well not really. But indulge me and picture yourself 12 years old, in the 7th grade. In an attempt to better understand their students your teacher asks you to write down these 3 questions and answer them. You can be anonymous, or you can put your name on it, that’s up to you. They ask:

Tell me something good that’s went on in your life? Something that’s made you go heck yeah or woohoo, something that’s made you smile or made your heart happy what would it be?

What do you wish us clueless adults understood better?

What more could I be doing for you?

What would your answers have been? Now come back to the present day, what do you think a typical 12 year old’s answer would be? What would your child’s answer be?

At the end of a recent DARE class, I asked these exact questions. I had slides in my power point so that the students were able to answer these questions and their answer show up on the board. They could answer with their name or remain anonymous, and yes, I had to approve the messages before they got displayed, they’re 12 year old’s, we all know what would happen if they were let loose.

Tell me something good that’s went on in your life? Something that’s made you go heck yeah or woohoo, something that’s made you smile or made your heart happy. Seems like an easy enough question to answer, and I got a lot of responses one would think they would. My mom made cookies last night, I met Peyton Manning, they got a 100 on a test, they had a fight with a friend but made up.

Some were a little “odd” in the context of most 12 year olds today like they got 25 new steers. Seriously? What 12 year old in todays world ranks getting cows as the highlight of recent history for them? Don’t get me wrong I love it, I love seeing kids being different than the norm and loving it. But really? You’re excited about more work?

The best one by far was, their dad stopped drinking and hadn’t drunk in a month and their parents don’t fight anymore. Do you realize how much courage it took for a 12 year old put that in a box that everyone was going to see, AND they purposely put their name on it. I asked them if they were fine with that, thinking maybe they did it by mistake, but nope they were good with it, so everybody in class got to see it.

I could not be happier for that student, or prouder for their father. And in case you’re wondering, yes, I know their name, but no name I have, or will have, with any responses from my students will ever see the light of day outside of the laptop the responses are saved on. I don’t need other students or adults putting others business on Facebook, and I never want to lose any trust I am able build with my students.

But there were also responses that will crush your soul for these kids. Nothing, honestly not much, I cried last night, I’m alive, I woke up. What is going on in a 12 year old’s life that they can think of literally nothing good that’s went on in their life? I specified it could have been today, in the last week, year, or their lifetime, but they can’t come up with a single thing in their life that’s good or made then happy other than I ate, or I’m alive.

I’ll let you ponder on that a few minutes and move on. And before you think they were just being cute or smart, I know who some of those answers came from, and they’re not ones to be cute or “smart” with their answers, if they give you an answer, they’re being serious.

Then I asked them: What do us clueless adults need to understand better? The less serious range from we can’t pause online games to nobody wears the 1980’s anymore and let them wear leggings. Then we get into the things that are seriously affecting our kids.

My stepdad and I argue all the time and I feel like a terrible kid because of it.

I can’t always get good grades and be the best

How we feel and what is and isn’t going on in life

I can't just ignore what people say about me, the words actually hurt.

That we need alone time, and we won't always have good days so we need time to ourselves which we don't get a lot.

Just because you think you grew up fine does not mean you did, just because you got through it doesn't mean everyone can

It’s not so easy to open up to yall if we can’t trust you

Don't make us feel like we can't be trusted as a person

And these are just some of the high points, there were 108 responses so there’s no way I could cover them all in a digestible way for you all to read. Between those 8 and the hundred others the 2 of the more common themes I found were communication and trust.

As adults we need to be vastly more open with our youth. We need to talk with them, and not at them, and yes there is a tremendous difference. We need to be open and honest about our lives, our childhood’s and all those glorious times we were able to pull off some teenage hijinks and not get caught, and the times we did.

Most of you are around the same age as me, 38, so I know 99% of you all were not perfect angels in your middle and high school years, I was there with more than one or two of you. We all did stuff we were told not to, were supposed to be at someone’s house but in actuality, we were in a field somewhere, we were sneaking off with our parent’s cigarettes, and the list goes on and on.

Sit down and have a conversation, let your kids know that no you weren’t a perfect angel. Let them know about things you struggled with growing up, your parents, friends, relationships, school and just life in general and let them know how you dealt with it. Tell them, yeah, I’ve messed up, and these were the consequences. Drop the persona of being perfect and having all the answers, because the kids see straight through it, and I can promise you, they know none of us are perfect, and that we all have a past.

If you really want your kids to open up to you, and to truly want to know what’s going on in their life, be able to open up and be honest about yours. If they think you’re hiding stuff, then they’re going to also.

Trust. They don’t trust adults, and adults don’t trust them. So, what are we to do. Some will say we’re their parents, they should trust us period, end of story. I might make some adults mad with this but, NO THEY SHOULD NOT. Yes, you are their parents, and they live in your house and must follow your rules, but no one is entitled to anyone’s trust unless you’ve took the time to build and earned it.

If you’d seen the situations some of our kids are in, or heard what their home life was like, you would say the same. And it’s not always because you’re a bad parent, or you’re mentally or physically abusive, or a drunk or an addict.

How many times have you said you’d be at an important event in their life and weren’t? Tell them you would do something or take them somewhere and didn’t? Have you ever told them something only for them to figure later it wasn’t true?

Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand life usually waits till the worst moment to take your plans and set them on fire, with gas, on a windy day next to a dry forest. But, if you had a friend that always canceled or was a no show after making plans, or more than once you figured out something they told you was wasn't true, how much would you trust them?

However, it’s a two-way street. They have said parents need to stop snooping, trust them, believe them, well if they’ve lied or went and done something they said they wouldn’t, or regularly can’t follow the house rules or be reliable in anything they say they’re going to say or do, well then, they don’t have a reason to be trusted either.

And are going to have to work hard to earn their parents trust, because we as adults know all to well in life that the only way to earn ones trust back, regardless of who’s, is with long term changed behavior. I’m sorry can only be said so many times before it becomes as hollow as a politicians promise.

At the end of the day though, there’s work to be done on both sides. Both parent’s and kid’s need to sit down around the dinner table and muster up the courage to be open and honest with the one another without fear of retaliation by the other so both sides can learn from the others experience.

Parents, I can promise you, your kid’s are a lot smarter thank you think, who’s the IT support in your house? And they are experiencing a great deal more than we give them credit for.

And kids, your parents have a 20-30 years head start on you in life, most of them have been through a lot more than you know, and experienced things you have yet to imagine. And when you think you’re smarter than them just remember who taught you how to use a spoon and how to wipe yourself.

It's not us versus them, it us and them.

Until we are all on the same page and working together it will continue to be a heated, loud, frustrating stalemate.